Oftentimes when I read books like 8 Great Smarts by Kathy Koch or The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis I feel overwhelming guilt and am certain I have ruined my child.
When we see that we need to make some adjustments we tend to be overwhelmed. Overcoming the guilt and learning to implement those changes is a process I have broken down into 5 steps:
- Take time for God
- Implement what you have learned
- Continue Learning
- Focus on the moment
- Intentional thoughts
We have all been there as parents. You know that pit in your stomach as you realize all the mistakes you have made. The voices in your head telling you that you have failed your kids and there is no going back.
We all share the same goals as we raise these little people. We want to give the best things life has to offer! We love them so much and so when we see our own shortcomings we get scared that we have ruined them forever.
But let me stop you right here, let’s say you are the perfect parent. What does that demonstrate to your child? Would your child see the need for God?
I Need to be Perfect
I am a perfectionist by nature. When I do a job I like to do it well. Scratch that, I like to do it perfectly. About eight years ago God began to work with me on this. One of the things He showed me was that I am not perfect but I am redeemed!
Redeemed! What does that word even mean? It means to compensate for my faults. So who offers me that compensation? Jesus, through his death on the cross. I am free from my own imperfections because of the price He paid for me.
Does this mean that He expects me to live every moment making the perfect choices at all times? No, I don’t believe it does. I believe that He wants me to strive to live a life that is pleasing to Him but He knows my sinful nature because He died for it.
Do I still struggle with the need to be perfect? Yes, I do. I am learning to take those feelings to God and let Him help me with them. I am also learning to balance perfection and realistic expectations.
Do my kids see me struggle? Absolutely, and I hate it sometimes. However, if they don’t see me struggle and gain victory then how will they see the power of my God in my life?
We are the number one testimony to the goodness of God for our kids. They see it all. the good, the bad and the ugly. If they see us turning to God in those moments, they will learn that’s what they need to do for themselves in their own ugly moments.
Tips for Taking What You’ve Learned and Applying It
- Take time for God
- Implement what you have learned
- Continue Learning
- Focus on the moment
- Intentional thoughts
Take time for God
I am learning that God wants me to take everything to Him through prayer. It doesn’t matter how big my need is, He wants to hear about it. I am trying to be very intentional about this and even sharing some of those needs with my kiddos.
When He answers those prayers, I am sharing that with them too so their faith can be increased. We don’t get to see God answer a prayer until there is some kind of need. These are the moments when our faith grows and we learn to depend on Him because we can’t do it on our own.
Being intentional about praying and studying our bible is essential to becoming a better parent. Not only is it meeting a need deep within us, but it offers us a sense of peace and direction.
Implement what you have learned
I know how overwhelming it is to try and absorb all the new information and make the necessary changes. I have a tendency to want to make all of them effective immediately. Quite frankly, it just doesn’t work. Let me share with you what I have found that works for me:
- Make small changes
- Pick one thing
- Read it every day
- Realistic expectations
- Journal about your journey
Make small changes
Whenever you make a lot of changes all at once, it is not going to stick. In fact, I get so overwhelmed that instead of making any changes, I throw it all to the side and go back to what I was doing originally.
Pick one thing
I like to pick one thing to work on for a designated period of time. Now there is a couple of ways you can do this. You can either go for the big thing or you can start small. The big things tend to take longer to implement and so if you are wanting to feel successful immediately, tackling a smaller job might be better.
For example, when I read The Connected Child, the book was overflowing with changes I needed to make within our home. I remember not even knowing where to start. So that first week I picked one thing and made the changes necessary to accomplish that one thing. It was something small but I did it and felt successful. Plus, it encouraged me for when I had to conquer some of the bigger things. It’s all about those small successes, my friend!
Read it every day
When I have decided on the change I want to make, then I read about it every day. Yes, it is very repetitive but that’s how I learn. Reading it helps remind me of what my next step is and how I need to take that step.
Realistic expectations
This stuff takes time and it will take longer than you think it will. I have to learn to give myself grace as I make these transitions. There is an excellent chance I am going to be disappointed because I have unrealistic expectations. I can’t let it detour me from my goal but instead, let it help me focus on what I need to do.
Journal about your journey
One thing I have found so encouraging is journalling. You know on those days when you are certain that you’re a failure it is encouraging to look back and see how far you have come. Even if it is a small amount of progress, it is still progress, so own it!
I have stumbled across my journals and notes years later. When I read it, I just smile because what I thought was impossible has now turned into a positive daily habit.
Continue Learning
Don’t stop with just reading the book. Surround yourself with the new information and keep learning! Sometimes I will get the book I am reading on Audible so I can to listen to it on my drive time or when I am cleaning the house. This helps me to stay the course and absorb new information along the way.
Focus on the moment
What can you do right now to implement what you have learned? How can you remind yourself of your goal throughout the day? When I am trying to change my own behavior or thought process, I will add a reminder on my phone. I add it to my “to do” list so that I am seeing it every single day. This helps me in the heat of the moment when I need it the most.
Intentional thoughts
I hate to say this but you are going to fail. The reason I know this is because of my own personal experiences. I have made the wrong choice and have gone in the complete opposite direction than what I am intending to do. Understanding that this will happen helps me push past the guilt and stay on course.
When those feelings of guilt threaten to take over, take them to God and be intentional about not going down that road. Evaluate the situation and yourself to figure out what you can do differently and move on.
Remember! Your child doesn’t need the perfect parent! Your child needs a parent who is willing to learn and say they are sorry. Your child needs a parent who prays and asks God for His help. That is what is going to make a difference in their lives.
Yes, we are going to make mistakes but that is when the grace of God steps up and fills in the cracks of our broken pieces. Our kids need to see us being redeemed through God!
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