We have all been there, feeling anxiety over being social, hoping that we will be accepted, scared to death that we are going to be made fun of. When you become a parent, it gets even worse. Not only do you feel it for yourself but you feel it on behalf of every one of your kiddos.

As human beings, we just want to be good enough and we want the same for our children too. We all know that look when someone walks into the room and it’s obvious they feel awkward and scared. It’s the desperate feeling of not knowing what to expect but wanting to feel accepted.

Acceptance

We are all a little weird in one way or another. Some of us just hide it better than others. We want to be accepted for who we really are because it is a lot of work trying to be something we are not.

I think the first step to realizing you’re good enough is looking to our Creator. God created each one of us with different personalities and talents. Accepting that you are unique is step one.

Once you understand that God made you different and unique for a reason, you can learn to be confident in who you are through Him. Keeping our eyes looking to Him, aligns our focus as we get our confidence and acceptance from the One who made us.

Understanding that He gave me that weird tendency for a reason, can help me use it for His glory.

I believe when we understand this concept as parents, then we can start to help our children cope with it too. Kids have an uncanny radar and the ability to pick up on the anxiety in a parent. Over the years, I have learned to recognize my own anxieties and acknowledge them.

When we are trying something new, I get nervous. For example, about a year ago, we started going to a new homeschool co-op. I knew some of the people there but I still felt very apprehensive and I could tell some of my children did too.

One of those kiddos was Sam which honestly made me even more nervous. Let me tell you why… Sam is one of the most outgoing people I have ever met. He has always made friends easily. One time I asked him what he did when someone didn’t want to be his friend and I will never forget his answer. He said, “I just forget it and go make friends with someone else.” Wow! Talk about being schooled by your child!

So when he was feeling nervous about our new experience, I didn’t know quite what to do with it. Maybe I should just stay at home. Maybe this is a sign that things are not going to go well. If my most outgoing kid was nervous, how were my others who were more socially challenged going to respond?

I’m not going to lie, I really considered just staying home. It’s in these moments where I have learned to evaluate myself. Do I really feel like this is a need for my children? Yes, I did. The co-op was offering a sports class that semester and one of my kiddos desperately needed that outlet. Is fear the only reason that I am reconsidering my decision? The answer was yes, and so I knew I couldn’t let that prevent me from doing what I thought was best for my children when I wasn’t letting my emotions control me.

So we went. It was hard to watch my teenager struggle through those awkward moments of not knowing anyone. It was hard to see the teens sitting in a group and my teen sitting separately. However, he pushed through and by the end of the day, he had made several friends.

So what if I had said I’m just going to stay home? Ultimately, our family would be missing out on a great experience! Turns out, everyone needed the outlet!

6 Tips for Making these Situations Easier

• It’s going to be awkward
• Learn to greet
• Create self-awareness
• Appropriate versus Inappropriate
• Be a good friend
• Not everyone needs to be your best friend
• Don’t hover

It’s going to be awkward

It is going to be awkward, that’s a given! I think we all dread those moments but acknowledging and accepting it is a natural step in the process that helps us handle it correctly.

Awkwardness is a feeling of being uncomfortable or embarrassed. It’s the lulls in the conversation where you are simply staring at the other person, not sure what to say.

Once, I had a conversation with my pastor about feeling awkward and he really helped me organize it in my mind. He encouraged me to recognize the feeling and embrace it instead of trying to run away from it.

His advice was to say something like “Oh, my! I’m feeling really awkward, how about you?”

So I have tried it and guess what? It makes the awkwardness go away! I think it levels the playing field and everyone sees that they aren’t the only one who is struggling at the moment.

You immediately develop something in common with each other, your mutual awkwardness.

Learn to greet

This is a social skill I teach my children on a regular basis. I want to equip them with the skills to make a friend even when they are scared.

To help them understand the idea of having a conversation with someone, I compare it to a ball game. Imagine you are throwing a ball back and forth between you and someone else. Suddenly that person stops throwing the ball and just stands there and holds it. The game comes to a complete stop and is just not fun anymore.

A conversation is much like this ballgame. It requires me to say something then I toss the “ball of conversation” to you and you must say something. If I just stop talking, the conversation stops and is just not fun anymore.

Here are the steps to greeting someone you have never met:

• Introduce yourself
• Ask them their name
• Ask them how they are
• Invite them to participate in a mutual activity

Introduce Yourself

A simple “Hi, my name is Kaycee.” is a good way to get the balling rolling. I always instruct my children to look the other person in the eye as they make their greeting. Look and see what color of eyes they have.

As you introduce yourself, extend your hand out to shake the other person’s hand. We practice this so they can learn the amount of pressure that needs to be applied. The handshake can’t be limp like a dead fish but I also don’t want the person I’m shaking hands with on the floor writhing in pain.

Ask them their name

After you have told them your name then ask them their name. I always explain to my children that Jesus knows our names and so we must do our best to know other people’s names too. Let’s just say my kiddos are a lot better at remembering this than I am.

Ask them how they are

Asking them how they are doing is a good way to try and break the ice. Sometimes if I can see they are nervous or scared, I will say something like “Are you nervous about being here for the first time? Cause I know I was!” Again this offers some common ground and lets the person know they are not alone.

Invite them to participate in a mutual activity

I encourage my children to invite their new friends to do some kind of activity like play ball or color a picture, whatever is available. Getting their hands busy will make the conversation a lot easier.

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Create self-awareness

When my children are out in public, that’s when I see things we need to work on at home. There are some things they are not going to learn until they experience it. And there are some things you are not going to know to teach until you see it.

For example, one of my kiddos is a hugger. I actually like it but I’m his mom. I realized that I needed to talk to him about when it is appropriate to hug and who is appropriate to hug.

Once, I saw that it was making others uncomfortable, I had a subtle conversation with him about it. This created the self-awareness he needed to know when he could hug someone and when he couldn’t.

Appropriate versus Inappropriate

Of course, there is an appropriate way to act and an inappropriate way to act. In the most obvious cases, appropriate behavior means good and inappropriate behavior means bad.

However, there is another definition too. Appropriate means it fits into the moment and inappropriate means it doesn’t fit into the moment. Imagine you are putting a puzzle together of the fifty states in America. You pick up the last piece and it looks like a piece of fruit. It doesn’t fit!

Learning to be appropriate is a lot like that puzzle. Sometimes what you’re doing is not bad, it just doesn’t fit. How odd would it be if I pulled up to my church on Sunday morning dressed in my swimsuit and cover-up? My swimsuit is very appropriate and modest but the place and time I chose to wear it was inappropriate.

This idea goes for behaviors too. It’s ok to do certain things at certain times and at other times it’s just not ok.

Be a good friend

The golden rule of treating others how you want to be treated goes a long way. If what you are doing is making you look better while making fun of someone else, then stop.

Show kindness in what you say and do to those around you. Do your best to make them feel comfortable and secure in the place you are in. Be friendly and talk to them. Include them in what you are doing. These are the best ways to be a good friend.

Not everyone needs to be your best friend

I think if we adjust our expectations about the level of friendship, we can just enjoy being friends. I know from experience that “best” friends in your life are few and far between. In order to have that kind of friendship, the relationship must evolve and that takes time.

Every best friend started out as a regular friendship and then life happens. The friendship either grows or it doesn’t. When you find those friendships that grow, you hang onto them.

Don’t Hover

This one is directed at the parents, although I have had to remind some of my older kiddos. When we are in situations like this, we tend to hover because we want to make sure everything goes ok. That is perfectly understandable but some things the child has to navigate on their own. This is one of them.

Now, I am not saying abandon your child. It’s about taking yourself into the background and letting the child figure this out for themselves while making sure they are safe. It’s about letting them conquer their fears on their own because it will make them stronger.

So go out there and be your weird self! God made you and your children unique, run with it!

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