I know this is every parent’s worst nightmare as we manage the squabbles and skirmishes our children have with each other. Because we have seven children, Rick and I deal with these situations multiple times every day. There is always something happening which is causing someone to feel upset and mistreated.
Somedays I feel like I should wear black and white stripes and blow a whistle every time there is an issue. Wait, I have done that! Well, maybe not the stripes but definitely the whistle part. It definitely gets everyone’s attention as they stop dead in their tracks.
What is sibling conflict?
The word conflict means a serious disagreement or argument between two parties. Another word that describes conflict is a clash, I like that one because the visual picture in my head matches what my children do. They clash!
Sibling means brother or sister which can include step-siblings and foster siblings. So sibling conflict means a clash between brothers and sisters.
First of all, I want us as parents to understand this is going to happen. They are going to fight, argue, and try to get their way at all costs. It’s a fact of life. The only way the siblings are not going to experience conflict is if they are not around each other.
I know my frustration comes from wanting them to just stop and get along. While those are good goals, it is not going to happen every day. What if we looked at this another way? What if we turned these moments into training opportunities where we can show them how to handle and resolve conflict the correct way?
As an adult, I deal with conflict (besides my children) on a daily basis. Wherever there is a relationship there is conflict involved. We are all different and unique individuals with a variety of needs and ultimately we want our own way. Learning to face conflict head-on and respectively communicate your needs and wants is a life skill.
Taking these experiences and turning them into teachable moments is a great opportunity for our children to learn how to handle conflict the right way and learn the value of a compromise.
When do we experience the most sibling conflict?
We are a large family and so I have noticed some trends in our sibling conflicts. We have them every single day and sometimes they start before I even get out of bed. However, I have noticed there seems to be more of a chance for conflict when they are:
- Tired
- Excited
- Bored
- Unstructured
- Anxious
Tired
When one of my children is tired then they are cranky. They are at the point they have had enough and they just don’t have the patience to put up with the chaos of a large family. I notice this happens consistently at certain times of the year when they are growing and need extra rest.
When they have had enough, who do you think is going to be the victim of their lack of patience? Yep, you guessed it! The siblings become the perfect target and they clash.
I always evaluate if they need some extra rest or time in their room to recharge their batteries. If this is the case, planning an early bedtime or a short nap might be in the best interest of everyone.
Excited
When we have a big moment planned and the kiddos know about it, they have a hard time knowing what to do with all that energy. Sometimes that energy manifests itself in stirring up trouble with their siblings.
If I see this is the case, I talk to them about it first. I ask them if they know why they are causing conflict among everyone. Sometimes they surprise me and can express that they are excited and don’t know what to do with themselves.
When I see this, I plan a physical activity that will help them burn some energy. For example, I may have them bounce on the trampoline or even have them go outside and do a few laps around the house. It helps calm them down and they can focus on making the right choices.
Bored
You know that old saying “Idle hands cause mischief.” Well, I have proven this saying to be true. Sometimes when my children are bored, I’m convinced they look around for someone they can tease.
When I see this, I ask them to find something to do or I will find something for them to do. They know if mom finds something it’s sure to be a long and tedious job that will take a while. They usually relocate themselves elsewhere with something of their own choice.
Unstructured
Now, most days our home runs on a visual schedule I post every morning but I want my children to know how to act when we don’t have a structured plan for the day. Sometimes, they don’t know quite how to do that and it results in multiple children not getting along.
I treat this much like I do if they are bored and explain that they need to find something productive or I will find it for them. That usually solves the problem but if it doesn’t, I have really clean baseboards.
Anxious
This is a big one and sometimes it’s hard for me to catch but I have learned when a child is feeling anxious about something then they will like to pick a fight with another child. I don’t know if this is something they do to take their mind off it or what.
If I get a hint they are anxious about something, I am talking to them about it. Sometimes the anxiety is something they don’t need to be worried about and I can tell them that. But sometimes, it is a legitimate fear and that is a bit trickier to deal with.
When we were fostering legitimate fears were very common. As a foster parent, I couldn’t guarantee them of anything and so that makes it difficult.
The only thing I know to do in these situations is to pray and share God’s Word with them. Together, we would read and maybe even memorize a bible verse. This way they had a way of shutting their brain down when things got tough.
In the midst of this kind of sibling conflict, I will often pull the other sibling aside and explain to them that their brother or sister is feeling anxious about something. I would encourage them to pray for their sibling and show them some grace as they work through their anxieties.
Why does the sibling conflict happen?
Like us our children are human and we all want to have our own way. It is not in our nature to compromise, it is something we have to learn to do. One of the reasons I teach character traits on a daily basis is because our sinful nature has a way of taking over.
There are usually character deficiencies in the following areas which result in conflict:
- Pride
- Selfishness
- Kindness
- Self-Control
- Bossiness
- Nosiness
Pride
This one is a big one in my opinion. Everyone wants to know they are special and one of a kind. They often compare themselves to others and either feel better or worse about themselves. We all do it and then it causes us to say something we shouldn’t.
I think helping a child understand how they are smart helps them deal with their feelings of pride. When we know we are not all the same and we all have different strengths and weaknesses, then we can have confidence in ourselves so we don’t have to tear someone else down in order to build ourselves up.
I wrote a unit study call How I Taught The Eight Great Smarts to My Kids based on the book 8 Great Smarts by Kathy Koch. This book changed our family and I use the concepts taught in this book when I am dealing with pride in a child.
Let’s say, for example, my word smart child is bragging about how much better they are at something than one of their siblings. As you can imagine, it’s an immediate conflict and they clash. I say something to my word smart child something like “You’re word smart, but you are not using that smart very wisely. How can you use that smart to help your sibling learn something new and feel better about the situation.”
Notice I am starting off with something positive by reminding them of their smart. This levels the playing field and then challenges them to turn their wrong into a right. This will strengthen their relationship in the end and if that happens it will reduce the about of skirmishes I have to deal with in the future.
Selfishness
We all want things to go our way, don’t we? I mean, I look at my marriage and this may be the number one reason my husband and I have conflict. The same goes for our children! We are all born with a “Me First!” attitude and we have to be intentional about thinking of others.
One of the concepts I teach in our home is to serve others first. It’s something I say a lot because our family needs a reminder. Even me!
When I determine that selfishness is the cause of a sibling squabble, I have them serve their sibling first. It may be something both sides need to do and do consistently for a period of a few days.
Kindness
Just simply being unkind is a definite cause for conflict. We all have our moments where we are just simply mean. It can be something we said or we did and it requires an immediate redo.
When someone has done something mean to someone else, then they need to repay it with a kind act. Sometimes that means they have to do it a couple of times in order to fix their mistake.
As a part of our Character series, I wrote a lesson on How to Teach Your Child Kindness. In the lesson, we talk about how being unkind causes chain-reaction type events because our actions have consequences. The same goes for kind acts. There is an object lesson included in the lesson so the kids can visually see how this works.
Self-Control
Self-control is the remedy for a lot of our sibling conflicts. If they had demonstrated it then they probably wouldn’t be in the position they are in. However, this is something that they are learning as they grow up. It’s a good idea to focus on this when they are younger so they will have a handle on it when they are older.
I wrote a post about How to Teach Your Child Self-Control where I share with you how I teach our children self-control. I liken self-control to a fence for our emotions. We have to learn to keep them in the fence so they don’t get lose and unmanageable.
Bossiness
This one is a fine line for our family! As a large family, we use the buddy system. Younger children are assigned a buddy to help them learn to do everyday things. This requires the older sibling to teach them what they need to do.
I guess the key to making this work is to teach the kiddos the difference between good leadership and being bossy. Good leadership is offering a hand of helpfulness while being bossy is simply nagging someone for the things they are doing wrong.
There are two very different attitudes being displayed as the intent of the child is obvious. Are they wanting to help or just simply be on the sidelines critiquing everyone.
I have to constantly remind my children that I am the boss and they are not. When they are in a position to be the boss, they need to be a good one. They need to be a leader they would want to follow.
Nosiness
It’s funny, as I am writing this post, my children are doing things which is giving me more content to write about. The last two items on this list are the result of a sibling conflict I have had to settle in the last thirty minutes.
We have a lot of opinions around here and lots of people who are willing to share those opinions even when it is none of their business. I have to constantly remind them to stay out of other people’s business when it doesn’t directly affect them.
Now, if they see someone getting hurt or making a bad decision, then, they need to get involved. They need to bring that information to me so I can do what I need to. However, if it’s something like someone playing their game differently or a simple tattle of some kind, they need to mind their own business.
Attention
Sometimes the child just wants attention! When I see this I always evaluate whether the child is needing more attention from me or is just being an attention hog. If I think I am lacking in giving them my attention then I will boost it.
How I boost their attention depends on the child. This is another way that reading the book 8 Great Smarts has helped me become a better parent. If you know how your child is smart, you can give them attention by using their smart and it will be more effective.
For example, Alex is body smart and word smart. If I wanted to boost his attention, I would go outside and play a game of catch while we chat about whatever he wants too. You see, by using the avenue of his smart, I am getting more bang for my buck and meeting him where he is.
If they are being an attention hog, then I remove them from everyone for a few minutes to regroup. For example, they may spend 10 minutes in their room so they can calm themselves. I do this as many times as I need to so they will understand it is not all about them.
Would you like to read our story and learn how we had all these siblings?
How Do I Handle Sibling Conflict?
I really want my children to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way and so this is the perfect time to teach them what they need to do now and in the future.
I don’t always jump into the conflict. If no one is getting hurt, I will hang back to see if they can solve it themselves because that is my ultimate goal. However, when a child comes to me with a complaint about one of their siblings, these are the steps I follow:
- Listen to the child
- Bring all parties together
- Coach everyone
- Expect results
Listen to the Child
When they come to me, I always listen to what has happened from their perspective. I really want my children to know that they can talk to me and so I want to show I’m listening when they do.
Bring All Parties Together
First of all, there are two sides to every story and I guarantee after listening to the first child you need to know more information. At this point, I call a meeting with all of the children involved. I started doing this when we fostered because I wanted to create a safe space for the foster children and for our children.
I wanted them to know that I was going to hear both sides and even do an investigation if necessary before I made a decision. I can’t tell you how many times I would have made a bad decision and handed out unfair consequences if I hadn’t followed this rule of thumb.
This is also an opportunity for them to learn to have the courage to stick up for themselves and face their accuser in a respectful way. I had a situation one time involving one of my children and another child. I pulled them together and the other child shared with me their side of the story but my child would not share their side. Later, when they did tell me, it changed the situation completely and had I know their side I could have facilitated a much better resolution where all parties were heard.
I took this experience to teach them the value of speaking up and doing it in a respectful manner.
Coach everyone
After I have heard all sides of the story, I begin to brainstorm with everyone on how they could have handled things differently. If they need to fix a mistake, then I encourage them to do that. We talk about the situation and do a role play if we need too.
Expect Results
From that point on, I expect them to make the changes we discussed. If they don’t then consequences will need to happen. I don’t want to have to waste time dealing with the same issues over and over again.
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