We have adopted seven children in the last sixteen years. Our first was a private adoption and all the others were from foster care. You can read our story in this post, Adoption: Finding Purpose in Our Pain. I think when we started this process we had a pretty good idea that we would be dealing with a variety of special needs.

All kids have special needs regardless of their situation. Every child will have a lack of skills that they will struggle with and it will require special handling. One of the ways, we have learned to cope with these weaknesses is by getting an expert like a therapist, teacher, or counselor involved.

Admit There is a Problem

Honestly, admitting there is a problem is the hardest part! If you can get past this one, the rest is much simpler. It’s hard to think that your child is anything other than perfect. We often want to deny the problem and bury it under all kinds of excuses.

I know this because I did this. Wait, let’s back up, I DO this. As the years, have gone by, I have learned that admitting my child has a struggle is not a bad thing or even a reflection on me as their parent or homeschool teacher and it has gotten easier to recognize the issue earlier.

Age-Appropriate Behaviors

Sometimes there is not an actual problem but instead, the behaviors are age-appropriate. This means the child is doing something that is considered typical for their age. Having raised seven-plus kiddos, I have a pretty good idea of what they do at certain times in their development.

For example, we have several “stair-step” children which means they are a year or so apart. If I notice a certain behavior, I can think back and ask myself, “Was their sibling doing that a year ago?” If the answer is yes, then maybe it is something they will grow out of.

Now, I am not telling you to ignore these types of behaviors. However, when we see that this is a part of our child’s development, we can understand it better. My goal is to keep the behavior temporary so it doesn’t stick around for years on end.

Early Intervention

I believe in early intervention because I have seen the value of it in my own family. With each child we have added to the family, we have evaluated the possible weaknesses as early as possible and did everything we could to give them a headstart.

When our daughter, Georgie Lou was born, we hit the ground running immediately. From the day we brought her home from the hospital, all the other kids have taken turns reading to her. It was great practice for them and it has benefited her greatly.

Since that time, they are constantly working and playing games with her and so we are seeing her blossom right before our very eyes. The early intervention has paid off even though at times it seemed like there was no progress.

The progress and growth are slow in the beginning but it definitely has a way of compounding and suddenly you’re shocked by how much they know and how much they are teaching themselves.

Another point I would like to make is in the case of emotional trauma. In the years we spent in the foster care system, we have seen a lot of children who have suffered a loss. In these types of situations, I always seek professional help for the child and even for me.

The book, The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, is a wonderful resource that helped guide me through the child’s pain. This book has been my handbook for parenting for years! If someone you love has experienced some sort of trauma, I recommend that you read it. It is so helpful and full of practical suggestions on what to do in your everyday life to help them.

Can’t Know It All

When I think there is an issue in the development of my child, I get an expert involved. Now, we have worked with lots of therapists, teachers, and counselors over the years and I always sit down with them in the beginning to explain my expectations.

They are not going to fix the problem with my child in thirty minutes or an hour a week. I would ask them to help me help my child because it is impossible for me to be an expert at everything in life.

I always requested homework, and together with our therapists, we would chop our goals into bite-size pieces. We would brainstorm together how I could implement the changes on a daily basis in our home. I was always surprised at how much progress the child would make from week to week and it motivated me to keep going.

Plus, I can’t begin to tell you how much I have learned over the years from some of the best experts in the business. They were always willing to help me and share their knowledge. I always made it very clear that when they were done with us professionally, they became my personal friend. Oh, and I ask my friends questions!

I’m Not Crazy

Okay, let’s just be honest here, there are some behaviors or challenges that will drive a parent crazy. I don’t know how many times there was something a child did and it was so frustrating to me until I understood why they were doing it.

Asking an expert’s opinion and having them help you treat the situation really helps give me understanding and that relieves my frustration. Basically, they assure me that I am not crazy but there is a legitimate issue that requires our attention.

Treat the Problem, Not Just the Symptom

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I wanted to treat the symptom when I really needed to treat the root of the problem. Sometimes as parents, we want the behavior to just go away and this is not always the right way to handle it.

For example, we have had several children who were delayed with their speech. This created a lot of frustration on their part because I couldn’t understand what they wanted. When this happened, it caused them to have a meltdown and lose complete control of their bodies.

Now, as their mom, I wanted to just make the meltdowns go away and so I asked for help to do that. With the help of our therapists, I realized I needed to treat the root of the problem by helping them have clearer speech so I could understand what they needed.

Of course, as we traveled along, they helped me learn how to deal with the meltdowns appropriately too. If you would like to read more about how we handle meltdowns, click HERE.

Accountability

One of my favorite things about getting help from the outside is it holds you accountable. I know that sounds weird but if I have to report on progress I am much more inclined to do the homework. When I have to give a progress report every week, I am more likely to make sure I do the work.

Help You with the Why Behind the Issue

You know that old saying, “Knowledge is power?” Well, it is! However, it is about understanding too. I have found when I understand why a behavior is happening then I am willing to give a little more grace.

Now, giving grace doesn’t mean giving the child a free pass. You see, when you figure out the root of the problem you can start to treat it intentionally. The experts always came through for us and suggested activities of things that we can do every day that will help the child learn to control that particular behavior.

Neutral Perspective

Dealing with the emotions and behaviors of a child is a roller coaster. I often struggle with having a realistic perspective and most of the time I carry a lot more responsibility in the situation than I need too. Having a third party involved gives me a neutral perspective as they have the expertise and are not emotionally involved.

Neutralizes Fear

I mentioned the roller coaster that these types of situations are and let me tell you this, I am terrified of roller coasters! Having an expert in my corner helps me deal with my fear. My fear will tell me all kinds of irrational things like:

• I am a bad mom.
• I am a horrible teacher.
• It’s not fixable.
• It’s never going to end.
• I’m not good enough.

I can easily focus on these negative thoughts until it’s all I think about. Or I can look to someone who can help me push past this and offer real, practical solutions that will work.

Tips for Talking to an Expert

• Pray for the right person
• Be honest
• Ask for them to work with you
• Do your homework

Pray for the right person

Every single time we have sought help (and it has been a lot), I prayed for God to send us to the person who had the perfect skills for the job. I always asked Him for someone who would love my child, value my opinion, and had the right ideas and activities to change our lives.

He never let me down and every person we work with was exactly what we needed to get to the next level. Finding the right person is such an important step in this process.

Be honest

Don’t try to sugar coat your fears. I always made a list of my concerns and always asked to be able to share those concerns during our first visit. They are experts for a reason and trust me, they know when you are not being truthful. Tell them all of it! It’s worked for us!

Ask for them to work with you

I always asked them to work with me for a few minutes every session. I would ask them to give us homework and together we would explore ways for me to accomplish the homework. They would give me game ideas that we could play as a family or object lessons which would trigger a valuable discussion.

Do your homework

After they give you the homework, then comes the hard part, you have to do it! I always tried to make this part as fun as I could and that helped get everyone to participate.

Include Everyone

If you can include other people in the homework, I have found it’s easier to get the homework done. The child that is needing help doesn’t feel like they are being targeted. The other children in the family actually benefit from the activities too! It can be a family affair because family is all about supporting each other!

If you are dealing with something that you just don’t know what to do, I encourage you to ask an expert. Pray and ask God where you should go to get whatever your family needs. Don’t wait! It has made all the difference in our world!

Special thanks to everyone that has helped us throughout the years.