Meltdown… That’s a word that strikes fear in the heart of all parents. I have dealt with my fair share of meltdowns over the years and have learned to handle them with care.
What is a meltdown?
The word meltdown means lots of different things to different people so I am going to share with you what it means for us. A meltdown is when you lose total control of your body and your emotions. This includes behaviors like yelling, screaming, kicking, or hurting others.
Who has a meltdown?
Everyone has a meltdown and sometimes that person is me! However, there are certain ages I have noticed as a mom that meltdowns are more common. During periods of growth in the child, they tend to not know what to do with their bodies or emotions and that results in them losing control.
What causes a meltdown?
There are several different causes for a meltdown. There are too many to name but here are some of the common causes for us:
- Not getting what they want
- Over Stimulated
- Growing Pains
Not Getting What They Want
I think this one is quite common. No one likes to hear the word no especially a child. Sometimes I think they believe if they throw a fit then they will get what they want. Honestly, sometimes they are right. I learned this one the hard way the first few times one of our kiddos melted down in the middle of a public place.
As a parent, you are looking to simply get them to be quiet because it is so incredibly embarrassing! So you give in and give them whatever they want thinking foolishly that it will stop. Bad news! That is not the case!
Something in the child’s mind says, “Wow, that worked and so I am going to have to try that one again!” They do and meltdowns keep happening over and over again.
I will never forget the time this realization hit me as a mom. I was in the dollar store shopping for an upcoming event I was hosting. One of our kiddos did not want to stay with me but instead wanted to shop on their own. I put my foot down and informed them they were going to stay with me because we were on a time schedule. That did not sit well with this child and they took off running and screaming through the dollar store aisles carrying a stick horse.
Of course, I am right behind them trying to calm them and get them to cooperate with me when this lady stops me to tell me that I needed to control my child. At that moment, I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I just caught my kiddo, hauled them to the car and drove home with both of us crying.
It was on that drive home, I committed to changing things. It took a couple of years to retrain our thought processes but we did it!
A Parent’s Survival Tip:
Be consistent! You can’t give in to the child’s demands at any time. When you do, it turns into bribery and that will not get you anywhere. Rick, my husband, and I outlined specific meltdown consequences that happened no matter what. We sat down and had a conversation with our child about what had happened, what they did wrong, and what we expected in the future. We also explained to them that we had not been handing these things the right way either and that would be changing too,
At this point, we explained the consequence of the meltdown. From that point on, we were intentional about being consistent and enforcing the consequence no matter what. Of course, they tested it to see if we meant business and we calmly responded.
Over Stimulated
When one of our children is over stimulated it means they have had reached their limit of activity and they just can’t take anymore. Sometimes it’s a chaotic environment that has set them over the edge while other times, maybe they have been exposed to too many new things. In any case, at some point, they reach their limit and a meltdown occurs.
A couple of years ago, one of our children had to have physical therapy. This was a very grueling task because it required us to travel a total of two hours plus sit in a waiting room for one hour. It was during these appointments, that one of our kiddos would meltdown with these huge fits of crying and screaming. It was really hard for them to sit still and looking back on it I’m pretty sure I was asking them to do something that was physically impossible.
Not only was this causing anxiety for me but it was causing the entire family to dread these days because we all knew what was going to happen. I began to search for something to cure this problem and so I asked one of our therapists what to do.
She suggested I try doing some hand or feet massages to see if we could distract or calm them. Thankfully, it worked and it is something that calms this particular child to this day.
A Parent’s Survival Tip:
Don’t be afraid to ask for help! You can always talk to other parents or therapists for ideas on how to help your child. In this case, it wasn’t an act of defiance for my child but I still considered it a meltdown. I needed to find a solution for them and our family because it was stressful for us all. The solution was customized to my child and honestly, it only worked for him.
Growing Pains
Growing up is hard work and sometimes our children have had enough. As luck would have it, I am dealing with this in one of my children as I am writing this. I have noticed this child struggling for the past few days and there is a common theme in their behavior. Because I am not allowing the behavior to continue, a meltdown has occurred.
In this particular instance, I have removed the child and given them a short time out in their room. Again, the consequences have to be customized to the specific needs of the child. I know my child needs some time to process these expectations and so I am giving them that opportunity.
Just because they are unhappy, I can not give in and let them have their way but I do need to show some grace. I just came back from a conversation with them where I laid it all out and explained what I wanted to see. I gave them a chance to speak their mind to me too because I always want them to feel heard. It helps us process it together and lets them know that even though this is hard, we will get through it.
Oh, and I informed them of the consequence of the meltdown because being consistent is the key.
A Parent’s Survival Tip:
You are NOT a bad parent because your child has a meltdown! I have parented quite a few children and let me tell you a little secret, all of them have meltdowns! You are not the only one this is happening too! I promise! it’s embarrassing, I know, but I have learned to stay calm and remove the child as quickly as I can. And when the guilt comes, because we all know it will, I push it back and be intentional about turning this meltdown into a teachable moment because I might as well get something good out of it!
The 3 Stages of a Meltdown
In my opinion, there are three stages of a meltdown:
- Before the Meltdown
- During the Meltdown
- After the Meltdown
Before the Meltdown
As a parent, I began to see what triggered a meltdown and I would try to coach the child ahead of time. If I knew there were going to be things happening that could potentially cause this, I would prepare my child for what was coming by explaining what was going to happen and what I expected.
For example, we go to church on Wednesday nights and so for a long time my kiddos would get their treat when we got out of the church. One of our kiddos had a really hard time leaving (he wanted to stay at church, not a bad thing but…) and so every Wednesday night, we would hit the parking lot and they would lose it. A meltdown with all the bells and whistles, it was awful!
So I pulled this kiddo aside before we went and explained to them that they wouldn’t get their special treat if they had a meltdown when we left that evening. As we were leaving, they started to lose it again, so I knelt down to look them in the eyes and told them if they continued they would lose the treat. It registered and I will never forget the look as it dawned on them. They looked at me with tears in their eyes and said, “So if I have a meltdown, I won’t get my treat?” When I confirmed it for them, they visibly got themselves under control and walked to the van calmly where they got their treat. To this day, it hasn’t happened again!
During the Meltdown
Honestly, there is not much you can do but remove the child. I really didn’t know what to do so I asked my pastor who I consider a mentor when it comes to raising our family. He told me to just leave and calmly remove them from the situation. I have tried it and I agree.
Sometimes, that’s hard to do especially when you have obligations but really there is no other way. As parents, we think we can reason with the child but that quickly turns into bribery giving the child complete control over the situation. Remove them and you will be in charge again.
After the Meltdown
When the meltdown is done, I am worn out! However, this is when the most important part starts in my opinion. As I said before, we need to turn this into a moment that the child can learn from. I always take some time to think and discuss it with my husband.
We discuss what happened, what triggered it, and any possible issues causing this behavior. Between us, we discuss a measurable goal for the child. After we have put this together, we sit down with the child for a follow-up conversation where we explain what needs to happen in the future.
It is so important that you set a goal that can be measured not only for your own sanity but for the sake of the child. Both of you need to see progress and be encouraged even if it is small.
One of the things I do is write it down in a journal. I track these behaviors and their triggers because in the heat of the moment it is hard to find common denominators. So if I am having an issue with a child, I am taking notes and looking over them to find patterns in their behaviors.
Not only does this help me determine the cause but it also encourages me later on when I see the behaviors have improved. I can’t tell you how many times I have found an old notebook and peeked inside to see we are no longer dealing with this or that. Now, that is encouraging!
So, dear parent, you are not the only one who’s kiddo is dealing with meltdowns! I hope some of these things will help navigate both you and your child to succeed.
Oh, and one last tip… Stay calm! If your child is yelling or screaming, adding your own to the mix is not going to help. Trust me, I know! Hang in there! You’ve got this! One day, you will look back and share these meltdown moments with another hopeless parent.
0 Comments