If we as parents had a nickel for every time we complained about our child not listening, we’d be rich. Scratch that, if we had a penny for every time we complained we could live the life of luxury.
Teaching a child to learn to listen to what others say is a valuable life skill that they need to master. In order to be obedient, they must be able to listen and process the instructions given by the person in authority.
What do you do when your child is not listening?
- Stop what you are doing
- Don’t Yell
- Make eye contact with the child
- Repeat your instructions
- Have the child repeat them back to you
- Don’t move on until the job is done
In our household, everyone suffers from a chronic case of what we call “Hobbs Selective Hearing.” It’s when someone is talking to you and you are responding with the appropriate “Uh, huh” but have no idea what they are actually saying.
This happens to our kiddos all the time! I remember Sam was about eight years old when I first figured this out. I would talk to him, give him a call to action and then nothing would happen. I started having him repeat to me what I said and realized he wasn’t actually listening.
I feel like learning to listen and obey are two character traits that go hand in hand. I usually teach these together back to back. Read my post “A Parent’s Guide to Teaching Yout Child Obedience” for some ideas on how to do that.
Listening
Stop what you are doing
If you have read any of my guides to teaching your child a character trait, you will see that when things are going wrong and require your re-direction, my first step is to always stop what we are doing.
I have found this to be beneficial for both the parent and the child. For the parent, these situations often are very frustrating. When we are angry or aggravated, our instructions tend to be not as clear.
For the child, if they are involved in something they find very interesting like a game or electronic device, they are not willing to put it down to listen to what you say.
So the parent is not speaking clearly and the child is not listening. This combination is a recipe for disaster.
Don’t Yell
Our first instinct is to raise our voice because the child obviously can’t hear us. This doesn’t work. In fact, I think it trains our child to tune us out because no one likes to be yelled at.
One of our therapists gave me some of the most valuable advice when a child is not listening or responding to what I say. She told me to walk over and place my hand on their shoulder, say their name and wait for them to make eye contact with me.
I use this tactic all the time. Now, I will tell you that it does require movement on my part. So when I’m sitting in my comfy chair, I have to get up and move. However, the results are so much better than me yelling across the room.
Getting up and putting my hand gently (that’s the keyword) on my child’s shoulder, says to them that I care about them and I need them to listen to the words that I am saying.
Yelling at them tears down our relationship and they feel disrespected. Why should they listen to you? Treat your relationship with your child carefully and you will get better results.
Make eye contact with the child
Rick often teases me about this step because I like to look at people in the eyes when we are talking. He makes fun of me by covering his eyes and tells me he can’t hear me.
Oh, well, I still believe in my philosophy! I feel like it tells the person I am speaking with that I care about them and am actually listening when I am making eye contact during our conversation.
I require my children to look at me when I am giving them instructions. I like to see if they understand what I am saying and minimize the distractions.
I teach our children at a young age to look at me when I am talking to them. For some children, this comes naturally but for others, it is a training issue.
Yes, we train them on a daily basis when they are young to make eye contact with us. In the beginning, I started training with a bag of mini marshmallows. If you haven’t experienced the power of the marshmallow and a three-year-old, its something to behold! This is how I do it:
- Sit down next to the child.
- Explain to the child that every time you say “Eyes, please” they are to look at your eyes. I tell the child to look for what color of eyes the other person has.
- Do the exercise.
- When they are successful, give them a marshmallow.
After you have done this with the child a couple of times, let the child have a turn and ask for your eye contact. As parents, we need this reminder too.
Now that I have given you my method, let me share with you Sam’s method. Like any good parent of a large family, I employ the help of my older children to train my younger children. When I told Sam I needed him to help me with the eye contact daily exercise, he came up with this brilliant method.
- Sit down next to the child.
- Explain to the child that every time you say “Eyes, please” they are to look at your eyes.
- Take a cheerio and look through the cheerio at the other person.
- Once they have made eye contact, they get to eat the cheerio.
This quickly becomes a game of “I Spy” using the cheerios as glasses. It’s very engaging and makes the point very well.
Repeat your instructions
This is the mundane part as you repeat to the child what you have already said. Tell them again in a soft calm voice, speaking clear concise instructions.
Have the child repeat them back to you
Now, this is the part I found very interesting. In the past, the child wouldn’t be able to repeat what I said or the instructions were missing a few important steps. However, when I stop and require eye contact, their comprehension is increased immediately.
Don’t move on until the job is done
You can’t move on until the job is done and is done right. When a child knows, that they have to do the job right before they can get back to their game or electronic device, they are more apt to do the right thing.
So let’s say they are doing their school work and they don’t necessarily want to get back to that so they delay things. Well, in this case, my child will pay my time back using their free time a little later. So if they waste five minutes of my time, they will pay me ten minutes of their free time.
FREE Unit Study
How to Teach a Child How to Listen
- Vocabulary
- Memory Verse
- Bible Story
- Activity
- Name the Behavior
Vocabulary
I always start with a vocabulary lesson. To “listen” means to give attention to what someone is saying. I like to role play this part with them by asking them a question and intentionally not listening. It is especially fun to make them repeat it over and over again.
When we are done, we talk about how it makes us feel when someone is not listening to us. We discuss how things would have been simpler and much faster if I would have listened to them the first time.
Memory Verse
We study our memory verse in Proverbs 19:20 which says “Listen to advice and accept discipline.”
What does it mean to listen to advice? Well, God had put people in our lives who have experienced different things and so they have a different perspective or way of looking at something.
When someone has traveled a certain road in life and they want to prevent you from making the same mistakes, they give you advice. We can always listen to their advice, pray over what they have told us, and learn from some of it.
God has given us parents for this reason. Their job is to guide and direct us and often their advice will save us some heartache. We are always wise to listen.
Bible Story
This is one of my favorite stories in the bible. Samuel was just a boy and was serving Eli in the temple. God wasn’t speaking to people much at this time so hearing God’s voice was rare.
At this point, Eli could barely see because his eyes were weak. Both he and Samuel were lying in their beds when Samuel heard a voice say his name. He ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Eli tells him he did not call him and told him to go back and lie down.
The third time this happened, Eli realizes God is calling the boy. Samuel doesn’t realize it because he doesn’t know the Lord yet. Eli tells Samuel that the next time he hears the voice to say “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.”
So the next time Samuel heard God’s voice he was prepared and ready to listen. God shared with him something He planned to do in the future of Israel and the family of Eli.
Do you want to talk about training someone to listen? God trained Samuel to know and respond to the sound of His voice and to actually listen to what He had to say.
Ultimately, we want our children to listen to us and others in authority. However, the real reason for teaching them to listen is so they will listen to the voice of God.
Activity
Did you know that bats have a great sense of hearing? Bats have good eyesight for during the day but they can’t see well at night. They are nocturnal animals which means they are the most active and do their hunting for food at night.
God has given them a superpower called echolocation. Echolocation is when a sound hits something and it bounces back to you. Bats make a repeated high pitched squeak called ultrasounds. These are generally too high for the human ear to hear. The bat hears the echo of the sound and can tell where the object is.
The object is usually their dinner. Once they listen and have the location of their prey, they swoop down and grab it. They enjoy their meal while they eat it in the air.
After our science lesson, we talk about how we can have ears like bats and learn to listen to what is being said to us.
We will do some listening activities like a game of “Mother, May I.” I am the first one to play the “Mother.” I have the children stand in a line so that they can all see me. I call a child by their name and give them a simple command like “Move three steps forward.” I require the child to make eye contact with me and ask if they can move three steps forward. I grant them permission.
Once we have completed the games with me as the mother, I allow other children to take their turn. Just a warning, this can be a really long game so playing it over the course of a few days is beneficial.
Name the Behavior
Here comes the fun part, we name that behavior. For this one, I call it “Give me your BAT ears!” For some reason, this gets the child’s attention immediately.
If the child is not listening, I will say “Give me your bat ears!” and then repeat the steps listed above.
- Stop what you are doing
- Don’t Yell
- Make eye contact with the child
- Repeat your instructions
- Have the child repeat them back to you
- Don’t move on until the job is done
This method brings the child back to our training lesson and helps them recall how Samuel listened to God and how bats have the best hearing.
Free Lesson Plan Download PDF by signing up for our newsletter below
I am including a free download of this lesson plan. The first page is designed to hang somewhere where everyone can see it and be reminded about what we learned. We hang ours on our dry erase board in our kitchen.
I like to teach a character trait for a week at a time. I call it “The Character Word of the Week.” However, I have been known to teach it for longer than one week if we need too.
Thanks for reading! I hope you find this resource helpful for you and your family.
Thank you!
You’re welcome!