For me, one of the hardest things about parenting is the disobedient child. I mean, they should just immediately do what I say when say it, right? Unfortunately, that is not how it works!
What do you do when your child is being disobedient?
- Take a deep breath
- Stop what they are doing
- Repeat your instructions clearly
- Have the child repeat them back to you
- Don’t move on until they have obeyed
As our family grew larger, the hardest number was three. When we picked up Alex there was something in my head that said: “Now, you’re outnumbered!” After I got over the hump of the three, my motto became “What’s one more?”
I figured early on that I needed to train my children from a very early age to obey the sound of my voice. When I imagined myself in the middle of the store with all my little ones and them going six different directions, I would almost have a panic attack.
One of the lessons I learned, in the beginning, was to think of obedience as a training issue. Disobedience was going to happen, because, for some reason, we like to break the rules. It’s a part of human nature.
Accepting the fact, that it was going to happen dials back the frustration and anger and allows me to be a little bit calmer when I am dealing with the situation.
Take a deep breath
This is a very important step because as parents we get so aggravated when our children don’t do what we tell them to do. It is important that we always demonstrate being a good leader when we are parenting our children.
Our next move determines whether this will be a teachable moment or a tornado destroying everything in its path.
Stop what they are doing
This is my favorite step. Stop! Just stop what everyone is doing. In this step I imagine myself going into slow motion as I am halting everything.
No one likes to stop what they are doing, especially children. This step by itself grabs the attention of the child.
Now, I know when you are headed out the door it is really hard to stop what you are doing. This is one of the reasons I like to do this when we don’t have any obligations to attend too.
If you are in a high pressured moment it may not be the time to fight the battle because again, it’s not going to be a teachable moment. When this happens to me, I will let it slide by and just get to where we need to go.
However, I always make a mental note to deal with the issue when I have more time. Because guess what? They will disobey again really soon and when it happens, I will be ready.
Repeat your instructions clearly
After I have stopped everything including myself, I repeat my expectations again. If I can, I give them step by step instructions about what I need them to do.
You would be surprised at how many times I felt like my children were disobedient when in fact they didn’t understand what I wanted.
We all know that this isn’t the case all the time, but what if it is? I guess I want to error on the side of caution and make sure they know what I am asking of them. I want them to have the tools to be successful.
Have the child repeat them back to you
After I have explained myself, I ask the child to repeat what I said back to me just to make sure they understand. Kiddos aren’t great listeners either, but that’s another topic for another day.
After they have repeated the directions, I make sure it’s what I am asking them to do. If one of the steps is incorrect, I correct them and then have them repeat it back to me.
Once I am sure they understand then we can move on. This process can take as long as it’s needed too. Kiddos don’t like to have to stand still and so these moments can act as an incentive to obey in the future.
Don’t move on until they have obeyed
Now, it’s time for the grand finale! They must be obedient and do what I have asked them to do. I do have to hang around to see it happen or go back and double-check the job because I don’t want to waste the time I have already spent teaching this concept.
What if they still don’t obey?
If they are still refusing to obey and I have followed the steps above, then it becomes defiance. Defiance is an open resistance from the child where they absolutely refuse to do what you have told them to do.
Acts of defiance are met with an immediate consequence at our house. Those consequences vary but the child loses something they enjoy doing. My post, Easy Visual Behavior Tracker Idea for Kids is a great way to manage those consequences.
Obedience
- No Robots
- Willing heart
- Be respectful
- Training
No Robots
Now, I don’t expect my children to be robots who immediately respond to my commands. God has made all children with unique personalities and I want to allow room for those traits to grow and mature.
However, it is our responsibility to guide those traits into something godly. I want to recognize they have a free will and teach them to use that will for God’s glory.
Willing heart
The definition of defiance is open resistance, so I want them to have a willing heart that is soft and moldable to what God has planned for their lives. They need to learn to obey me and Rick, yes, but ultimately, I am training them to learn to obey God. If they can’t obey us as parents then how are they ever going to obey God?
Be respectful
I want them to be respectful and trust what I am asking them to do is for their benefit and maybe it is to help someone else too. I don’t always have the time to explain the “why” behind what I do but when I have that opportunity, I take it.
Sometimes when the kiddos understand why I am asking them to do something then they are more likely to obey. For example, last week we were at our homeschool co-op where Andy, age 9, was helping people by holding the door open for them. He was doing a great job but he was also playing with the door by opening and shutting it. I asked him to stop a couple of times and he didn’t. So I called him over and explained why I need him to keep the door shut. Once he realized that the cold air was rushing in and making me cold, he stopped doing it.
Training
It’s all in the training, in my opinion. Training them to obey the words I say is a process and I start when they are young. In fact, Georgie Lou just turned three and the fun has really begun for her as she learns to obey.
Training takes time as you inch forward towards the goal. Trust me, there will be a lot of failures but as you see them making progress, celebrate those victories!
How to Teach Obedience
- Vocabulary
- Memory Verse
- Bible Story
- Activity
- Name the Behavior
Vocabulary
With this particular lesson about obedience, I started by teaching vocabulary. I like to know that my children understand what is being expected of them. I have forgotten this step before and it just makes them confused because they don’t know what to do.
What does it mean to obey? To obey means to comply with or submit to someone else’s instructions. The person giving the instructions is someone who has authority.
At this point, we talk about the leaders in our lives. We make a list of those people on our dry erase board and discuss how we need to obey them too. We talk about how those people give their instructions and what it looks to obey them.
For example, we discuss their teacher at church and how they should obey her. We talk about what it looks like to sit quietly or raise our hands when we need to say something. I explain these are acts of obedience.
Memory Verse
We explore what the Bible says about obedience. In Ephesians 6:1 it says “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Why does God want us to obey our parents? There are a couple of reasons:
- For our protection
- We will learn to obey Him
For our protection
As parents, we want our children to obey or it is going to cause them to get hurt. Just think of it this way, imagine having a brand new puppy. This little guy in his excitement loves to run and so you put a leash on him when you take him outside.
Why do you put a leash on him? To help him obey you so he doesn’t get hurt or run over by a car. You see, the puppy doesn’t see or know the dangers that could hurt him. My guess is the puppy thinks he’s invincible and is ignorant of what is going on around him.
The leash is helping keep him safe. Teaching our children to obey is like the leash on that puppy. It keeps them safe from things that could harm them.
We will learn to obey Him
If they can’t obey us then how are they ever going to obey God? He wants us to obey so we can eventually obey Him which leads us to our next focus, Jonah.
Bible Story
Jonah and the Whale… It’s a story that is very familiar to us and is the perfect example of disobedience. God told Jonah to go to Ninevah and preach to them but Jonah ran away instead.
Now, before we are too hard on Jonah, the people of Ninevah were not very nice. I think if I was Jonah, I would have been scared too and honestly, would have run as well.
So Jonah finds a ship that was sailing for Tarshish so he could get away from what God is telling him to do. The Lord sent a powerful storm on the sea that Jonah’s ship was sailing on and it seemed like it was going to break the ship in half.
All the sailors were terrified and decided to “cast lots” to see who was responsible for the trouble they were having. When this act pointed to Jonah as the cause of their problem, they began to question what he had done. He had already told them he was running from God and so they began to ask him what they needed to do to get the storm to calm.
He told them to throw him overboard and so they did. The sea immediately grew calm and the Lord provided a big fish to swallow Jonah.
The Lord stopped Jonah from what he was doing and made him sit to think about his actions. I mean, can you imagine being in the belly of a fish and thinking “How did I get here?”
It was in these moments that Jonah relented to the command of God and realized he needed to obey and go preach to the people of Ninevah about the salvation of the Lord.
And so God repeated His instructions to Jonah again and made sure he understood what was expected of him. Jonah went to Ninevah and preached. The king of Ninevah took Jonah’s words with a heart of repentance, God saw it and did not bring destruction on them.
Activity
My favorite game to play with my littles to demonstrate obedience is “Simon Says” but I turn it into “Mommy Says.” I have them line up in front of me and I say “Mommy says, put your hand on your head.” They should obey. Then I will say “Touch your toes.” and they should not obey because I didn’t say, “Mommy Says” first.
We play this for a couple of days in a row just so they can learn what it means to do what Mommy says.
For my middles, I like to do an obedience drawing game. I ask them to get a piece of paper and a pencil. I give them step by step instructions to drawing a picture of my choice. It would sound something like this:
- Draw a square on the bottom center of the page.
- Put a triangle on top of the square. (a house)
- Draw a small rectangle on the bottom of the page in the center of the square. (the door)
- Draw a small circle in the middle of the rectangle on the right side. (the doorknob)
- Draw a small rectangle on top of one side of the triangle. (a chimney)
If they followed my instructions above they should have drawn a house. I talk with them about how important it was to follow my instructions because I knew what the bigger picture looked like.
It’s the same way with God, He knows what His plan is for our life is and so we must learn to obey.
Name the Behavior
Last but not least, we name the behavior. I was given a great piece of advice from one of our therapists. She recommended that we name the behavior so that when we are in the middle of an incident we can say it and it triggers a memory for our children.
We kept this one pretty simple with “Please obey the sound of my voice.” When they hear me say that I get their attention because they think of this lesson and the activities we did.
Free Lesson Plan Download
I am including a free download of this lesson plan. The first page is designed to hang somewhere where everyone can see it and be reminded about what we learned. We hang ours on our dry erase board in our kitchen.
I like to teach a character trait for a week at a time. I have been known to extend it if I need too.
Thanks for reading! I hope this helps!
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