In parenting, bribery is a very real thing. I am often asked about what the difference is between bribery and incentives because they often feel like the same thing.

Bribery and Incentives in Parenting

Bribery is something that is offered to try to persuade the child to act a certain way at that very moment. Incentives are offered to try to encourage the child to make good choices which will affect their future behavior.

Bribery usually comes with instant gratification because the child doesn’t have to do anything for the prize. Incentives are provided as a goal and the child must weigh their choices so they can work to get the prize.

My Personal Experience

As a young parent, I didn’t understand the difference between the two. I would offer something to shut the bad behavior down and wonder why the cycle was continuing to present itself.

I would feel guilty because I knew what I was doing wasn’t right but I didn’t know what else to do.

As we began our fostering journey, I knew I needed to get this concept sorted out. When you are foster parents, you are obligated to handle the situation in a certain manner. Not only does your contract with the state influence your response, but the trauma the child has experienced so far in their life also dictates what you do.

You see, I am always trying to turn these moments into teachable ones. My goal for the child is for them to learn to weigh their choices and to decipher which one is the correct one.

Incentives Are Goals

This is where incentives come in… Now I want you to think for a moment about your job. Have you ever had the opportunity to work for a bonus? I remember in my prior life when I was in banking, I had just gotten licensed to sell annuities. I was new at it and so very nervous but our management team was offering gift certificates to restaurants for whoever sold the most. It gave me the courage to get out there and share my presentation with others. As I did it, I gained more confidence and more experience. You know what? I won not one gift certificate but two of them! You see, their incentive propelled me to get out there and make the right choice even when I felt very insecure. I knew I needed to go for it and I was rewarded for my hard work.

Now, let’s just say I didn’t even try. Do you think the management team would have said: “Kaycee, we know you didn’t make it, but here are the gift certificates anyways.” NO! Absolutely not! They don’t pay for work that was not done.

You Don’t Get the Perk If You Don’t Do the Work

This same idea is represented in parenting. If the child doesn’t do the work they don’t get the perk. Can you tell I say that a lot? I even made it into a rhyme! If you give the child the perk and they have not done the work, what does it become? A bribe! And the nasty cycle starts again.

Why Do You Give an Incentive?

Let’s just say I am having a child who is struggling with meltdowns in public. A meltdown is when the child loses control of their body and the parent has to walk the walk of shame with everyone’s eyes on them to remove the child from the situation. Don’t worry, you can be the best parent ever and I will guarantee you will have to do this. Having seven-plus children, I have done this more times than I can count.

So back to my thought, let me tell you about one of the times this happened to me. We had five children at the time and our twinkies (Andy and Alex are three weeks apart so we call them the twinkies) were two years old. Twice a week one of our younger kiddos needed physical therapy at the children’s hospital which was over an hour away. You can imagine how hard this was dragging five kiddos (four of them under the age of three) to the hospital to sit for an hour and then drag them back home. It was tiring for us all!

And so the meltdowns began. When you have kiddos that close in age when one starts they all start, and we look like a freak show as we try to make it back the car as quickly as we can.

I always felt like the worst parent ever and it exhausted me. So I thought about it and decided to give a little incentive to the kiddos to make the right choice. Now keep in mind the main perpetrators are only two years old. What kind of incentives can you offer a two-year-old?

I finally got an idea and went to the store to buy a bag of smarties. After we had parked our car, I pulled out the candy. Of course, immediately I had everyone’s attention. I told them I thought they were all “smarties” and I knew they could make the right choice. (I know it’s corny but I’m that way sometimes.) If they wanted some “car candy” they had to control their bodies by not screaming and crying when we left today. If they did that, then they would get a package of smarties when we came back out to the car.

Do you know what? It worked! From that day on I made sure I had “car candy” available for those who worked hard. We were able to get in and get out without incident most of the time.

It is not to say they did not test me. When you offer an incentive, don’t think for one second that the child is not going to test you to see exactly what kind of job they will get paid for. They will! I strongly recommend you don’t give in because then the nasty bribery cycle starts again. In my experience, when you give in the next battle will be harder to win.

When Do You Give the Incentive?

Take notice of when I offered the incentive. I offered it before we went into the hospital. When I offered it I was very clear about what I expected. They knew, even at age two, what they needed to do in order to get the “car candy.”

Also, please notice, I didn’t have a list of twenty things I needed them to do in order to get the “car candy.” I picked the one thing that was stressing me out the most and targeted that behavior.

Inspect the Work Before You Pay the Perk

In my hospital situation, it was easy for me to determine if my child earned “car candy.” As they get older and more independent, it’s becoming a little more difficult to make sure they are earning their incentives.

In this kind of situation, I always tell my kiddos I will be following up with whoever is in charge to insure they have met the expectations of their leaders.

CrewTip: The Concept Behind My Crazy

If the behavior is extreme and I can see the child is trying but it definitely wasn’t perfect, I will sometimes pay the incentive. I will encourage them to keep trying, use the chance to coach their weakness and make sure they understand my expectations. I don’t want the incentive to feel unattainable that they no longer want to try.

Incentives Aren’t Always Candy

Candy isn’t the only option for an incentive. For us, different incentives speak to different kiddos. I often look at what the child loves to do to give me inspiration.

For example, if I wanted to give Sam, age 15, an incentive, I would offer him to get up early and play video games. He is an early bird and video games first thing is something we don’t normally allow.

For Bella, age 10, I would offer the opportunity to watch a baking show on Netflix. She loves to bake and any opportunity to watch someone else do it gets her attention.

For Andy, age 9, I would offer extra “building” time. That kiddo loves to create and build new things so he would be all over this.

For Alex, age 9, I would offer to go toss the ball around the yard with him. He would love the one on one attention and the opportunity to show me any new tricks he’s mastered.

For Randa, age 8, I would offer her the chance to show me some of the new dances she has mastered or new tunes she’s learned to play on the piano. She is quite talented and so a chance to show off would excite her.

For Nikki, age 5, I would offer to have her help me in the kitchen. She would love to have the chance to say “I made this today!” and any validation from her family would make her day.

For Georgie Lou, age 3, I would probably resort to the candy because at her age I want to give her an instant incentive as much as possible.

Now, does this mean that my kiddos need to do something in order to get some of the perks and/or the quality time listed above? Absolutely not! But it’s just like setting up a lunch date with a friend, it gives you something to look forward too. This is the concept we are demonstrating here.

So as I am writing this I am realizing there are a few areas of behavior I need to implement some incentives for my own family today.

I am going to leave you with this last thought. If there was one behavior in your child that if changed would make life easier for both of you, what would it be? How can you express your expectations to your child? What kind of incentive can you offer?

I hope and pray this helps you in some way! Don’t hesitate to reach out, I would love to hear your thoughts. As always we appreciate you, thanks for reading!