I have seven children and let’s just say that my tone of voice is not always what it should be. To me, my tone of voice is like a tool in a toolbox. There are many different types and styles which should be customized to the current situation.
What is tone of voice?
The tone of voice you use is not about the words you say but how you say it. Your volume of voice and your body language communicates meaning to those you are speaking too. Your audience develops a perception of what they think of you and the ideas you are trying to communicate.
Same words different tone
Let me tell you a story to help demonstrate my point about the importance of my tone of voice. This particular experience coincidentally happened on the same day.
I walked into our girl’s room to find our then three-year-old daughter rubbing hair gel all over the carpet. It was the hair gel that is very thick and reminds you of glue. Of course, I exclaimed, “What are you doing?”
I am sure you can imagine what kind of tone of voice I was using! It took me days to get that hair gel out of the carpet.
The second experience was when my then seven-year-old son sat at the kitchen table coloring the coolest Minecraft picture. He is not one to just sit and color, so when I walked by and seen it, I said: “What are you doing?” As he proudly held up his picture, it hit me, my tone of voice matters!
In both of these instances, I said the exact same words but they had very different meanings. In the first experience, I was frustrated and a little shocked about what my daughter was doing. In the second instance, I was interested and complimentary of what my son was doing.
Why does tone matter?
My tone of voice tells my children what I am really thinking and feeling in the moment. You better believe my daughter knew I was not happy with her hair gel escapade while you can be certain my son knew I was interested and impressed with his work. It was all in the tone of my voice.
Have you ever been working on something only to have your child interrupt your train of thought? I have! Sometimes I will absently answer their questions and they will immediately check to make sure they didn’t irritate me because my tone was not interested or engaging. Our oldest son does this a lot.
Our children get a lot of direction from the tone I use when I am directing them and it often sets the tone for our day or for our activity.
Good leader
When we first started fostering, my mom recommended this book called The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. I love this book and I can’t even begin to tell you how much it changed my life!
One of the points that stuck out to me was that I needed to be a good leader. Not only did I need to be a good leader but I needed to be a leader I wanted to follow.
So I began to think about what characteristics I like to see in a leader and try to figure out how I could strive to lead in this way.
- Kind
- Respect
- Flexible
- Understanding
- Authentic
Kind
I like to follow someone who has a kind heart. If I know they genuinely care about my well-being then I am much more comfortable to follow them. When I see kindness demonstrated in their everyday life, then I feel much more secure in their leadership.
The same goes for our kiddos. They see and feel our kindness towards them and they are more willing to follow our lead when we can show them compassion.
Respect
When the leader respects me for both my strengths and weakness, then I am much more willing to go above and beyond to do whatever I can to make their endeavor successful. Good leadership sees what I am good at and is respectful enough to let me go and do my thing.
This is sometimes a hard one for me with our children because I tend to focus on their weaknesses and not take into account their strengths. I need to respect both and let them fly where they can.
Flexible
I like to have a leader who is flexible and is willing to try new things. Basically they don’t say things like “It’s my way or the highway!” They recognize that life happens and are willing to solve the problems as they are thrown their way.
This is another one I struggle with in my parenting! I am diligently working to add more flexibility to our everyday life. I think there is a couple of reason I struggle with this. One, I know what I want and most of the time I have a plan for how we are going to accomplish it. Secondly, we had so many little kids at once, I had to make decisions to make sure everyone was safe and happy.
As the kiddos are getting older, I am realizing that I don’t have to figure it all out. Let me just say, it’s scary and freeing all at the same time!
Understanding
I want my leader to understand all the balls I have in the air and see, that at times, I will be overwhelmed. Just to have them understand this makes me feel better.
I need to do the same thing for my children. I need to see that they will be overwhelmed at times and while I may not be able to change the circumstances, I can understand and acknowledge the challenges. Growing up his hard!
Authentic
Authenticity… This one is so important to me! I want to follow someone who is sincere and genuine. They know that things are not perfect. They acknowledge it and don’t let it get them down.
One of my number one priorities as a mom is to be authentic in front of my children. Do you know what that means sometimes? It means saying I’m wrong and I’m sorry. We all make mistakes and taking responsibility for those mistakes is a necessary characteristic of a good leader.
It’s all in the delivery
Here in our household, we serve three meals and an afternoon snack. What if I called all my children together and told them I had a special treat for their snack today. Then I would tell them to meet me outside so I would give them their special treat. As they excitedly lined up in the yard, I would begin to throw cookies at them.
What would happen? They would probably ask me what in the world I am doing and then proceed to pick up the cookies off the ground. I’m sure they wouldn’t eat them because my children don’t do that… Ha!
Why am I telling you this? It’s all in the delivery! How do you think they would feel if I just threw their cookies at them? Or would they rather I handed their cookies to them gently so they could enjoy them without the dirt?
When I use the appropriate tone of voice for the situation I find that our children benefit and learn life skills from these experiences. So how am I delivering my words? Am I throwing them or am I saying them gently where they can be absorbed and maybe even enjoyed? Food for thought! (Pun intended!)
We all have those moments
There are times that my tone of voice is stern and something my children will immediately pay attention too. There are certain situations that I must get their attention because there may be a safety issue or they need to respond in some way. I really believe that as parents we can use our tone of voice to direct our children in the direction they need to go in.
Engage them
The tone of voice we use will engage them in our conversation. When I use a variety of tones, my children immediately know how I am feeling. However, if I just used the same tone all the time, whether it would be a harsh tone or a soft tone, they would begin to tune me out. Trust me, there is enough of that going on without me contributing to it. Using a variety of tones engages them in our conversations and helps them to learn to use verbal cues to interpret their conversations.
Learn to filter
When I first started being mindful of the tone I was using with my children, I had to learn to filter my responses. Basically, I had to learn to stop reacting and start responding to the situation. This was really hard for me because it was a knee jerk reaction for me to be a bit dramatic.
Take a deep breath
I intentionally had to teach myself to stop and take a deep breath before I talked or responded to the situation. This is something that goes against my nature because I am generally one to get in there and fix the problem.
Think about what you are going to say
While I am taking that deep breath, I am formulating the words I want to say in my mind while I am trying to calm myself. I am being intentional about what I am going to say to them and about the situation they most likely have created for themselves.
Realize they are waiting for direction from you
They are waiting for me to give them directions about what their next steps are going to be. I am laying the groundwork for this to become a teachable moment or a hurtful moment. Either way, there is a good chance they will remember these moments for the rest of their lives and potentially share them with their own children.
Choose to be calm
Calming myself down is something that I have to do intentionally. At the moment, I have to stop, consider the situation, and then proceed in the calmest way possible. I need to control my own body and my mouth so that my child can see how it is supposed to be done.
They will be more cooperative
When I began to realize the tone of voice I used was like a tool in my toolbox, my children began to be more cooperative. They are willing to do the things I asked of them because they felt like a member of our team.
They will learn how to speak to others
How many of you know that our children do what we do and not what we say? Whatever way we speak to them will translate into how they speak to others. I don’t know how many times one of my children has said something that stung and I realize that I say it like that too. They will model whatever behavior they see from us.
Relationship Matters
I have explored this thought a lot with a good friend recently. In the end, how we treat our children will affect our relationship and that’s what matters. I want to be an influence on my children and their future so I want to keep our relationship strong. Does that mean I have to be the perfect parent? No, not at all! However, when I make a mess of things, I need to own it and fix it to the best of my ability.
The tone you use matters to your relationship! Thanks for reading!
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