This post is going to be a hard one for me to write because frankly, I am writing it to myself. Quality time when you have a large family is a challenge because of all the demands on your time. Let’s just say, when kids are around they want to be the center of attention no matter what and that is where it is hard.
What is Quality Time?
Quality time is giving someone your complete attention with the goal of strengthening your relationship. We have learned to be creative with our quality time by scheduling it and adjusting our expectations. We are intentional about planning our quality time or it doesn’t happen.
Quality Time Vs. Quantity Time
Complete attention… That is a hard one because that means the undivided focus is on my husband no matter what is going on around me. Sometimes I think we confuse quality time with quantity time. We think that since we don’t get a lot of time together, then it is not worth much. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
What if we made the time we do have together count? What if we put down our electronic devices and really focused on each other? What if we put an effort into making a connection even if it was for a short time?
This post is already convicting me because it is very hard for me to give anything my undivided attention. My mind is always going one hundred miles a minute as I am thinking about things I need to do or places I need to be. I have to admit I wear the mommy hat very well, however putting the wife hat on can be a challenge.
The success of our family is directly related to the condition of our marriage and as parents, I think we tend to forget this. I know I do. My husband is generally a low maintenance kind of guy and he understands the amount of responsibility I carry with homeschooling and running our household. Sometimes, no probably a lot of times, he gets the short end of the stick.
When we were fostering our family grew rather quickly. With the state’s guidelines at the time, we couldn’t leave the children with someone who hadn’t had extensive background checks. Do you know how hard it is to find someone to watch several kids in the first place? And then add background checks to it and it gets even more complicated.
So at this point date nights were a thing of the past. To be really honest, we have a hard time leaving our kiddos regardless. We have a great support system now and still have a hard time scheduling date nights. However, that’s not to say we don’t schedule a time for each other, we do. We have had to adjust our expectations.
What is our expectation for quality time?
- Time to talk without interruption
- Do something together that we both enjoy
- A time of rest and relaxation
Time to Talk Without Interruption
Honestly, this one is a big deal for me. Rick and I start a conversation and then forget what we were talking about because we have been interrupted seven times. I don’t know what it is about kids but they see us talking and immediately their need is urgent.
If we can have some time just to have an uninterrupted conversation, we both are at peace. It doesn’t even have to be a big conversation, just a simple check-in to see how the other person is doing.
Do Something Together that We Both Enjoy
Have fun together! Rick and I enjoy playing card games together but honestly, our favorite thing to do is watch TV. We have certain shows we both enjoy and we save those to watch together. We really should attempt to work games into our time together more but by the time we get to this point of our day, we are both worn out mentally and physically and just need some downtime. We do decompress in similar ways and so that is helpful.
A Time of Rest and Relaxation
Because having kids keeps us on the run most of the time, decreasing our activity is a need for both of us. Oftentimes we just need quiet and a time not to think about anything.
Practical Ideas to Implement Our Expectations
Have a Date Night at Home
We do this one a lot. So when we bought our new living room furniture to accommodate our large family, we purchased this coffee table that converts into a “dining table.”
Pretty awesome, right!?! So this is our favorite little place to have a date night. We take our dinner into the living room and while the kiddos eat their dinner into the dining room, we enjoy dinner together.
I will say the atmosphere isn’t always cozy because there are seven kiddos close by but, hey, it works!
Cook Dinner Together
We have always enjoyed cooking together. When we have a special occasion, we will purchase cowboy steaks from Sam’s Club, smoke them in our smoker and then reverse sear them. We both like to try new recipes and so planning a fancy menu to indulge in is something we really enjoy.
Watch TV or a Movie Together
Dinner and a movie night at home are awesome! I am sure you are wondering how we implement this with seven kiddos. It’s definitely tricky which is probably why we are more likely to watch a TV show because it takes less time than a movie.
Most of you know that I do our schedule at the beginning every week by planning and organizing our time. I plan for our kiddos to be in bed around 8:00 pm on certain nights so that Rick and I can have some time to watch something together.
Do a Job Together
There is no one else in the world that I’d rather work with than my husband. Let me ask you one question… What will make a kid disappear? The prospect of working! Ha! Ha! And sometimes that is exactly what we want! We like tackling those household tasks together and so sometimes that provides us with our quality time and a sense of accomplishment. It’s a double whammy!
Run Errands Together
We find the time in our car together makes for good conversation. However, you can guarantee we have fourteen ears listening to what we say. It’s amazing what kiddos can hear when you don’t necessarily want them too.
Funny story: We have a 12 passenger van. One of our foster daughters was sitting in the very back row on one of our trips. Rick and I were in the front seat quietly talking about an upcoming event we were planning to do. The words had barely left our mouths when she began to question us about it. We still tease her about this because they do listen when they want too!
For a while, during our drivetimes together I would be on my electronic devices while he drove. Then I realized this was a time we could spend together and have some conversation.
Exercise Together
I am not a big fan of exercising but it is a necessary part of life. If I can do it with someone I care about I am more likely to actually get it done. Rick and I love to walk around our subdivision when the weather is nice. The kiddos tend to go with us but are off exploring nature themselves. This is the perfect time to talk and catch up on our day.
This winter we plan to hit the treadmill together. Yes, we have two treadmills because there are so many of us!
Well, I see some things I need to work on myself. It’s all about being intentional and doing the next right thing. What can you do today to give your undivided attention to your spouse? Keep it simple and see if it doesn’t strengthen your connection. I’m off to do the same thing!
As always, thanks for reading!
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